Grampa W.

My grandfather died last night.

We knew it was coming and we knew it would be soon. The past few weeks he wasn’t doing well at all. It was really a blessing that he passed away, because now he’s not in pain. The past few days were really hard on the family. It’s been really hard to see my mother going through this, and I never really knew what to say to her.

I saw him this week, almost everyday I was over there with my mum, one of my aunts and one of my uncles. I am thankful that I got to say goodbye to him. I guess that’s one good thing about being home now, I had the chance to spend time with him before he passed and with my grandmother who is not doing well either.

Last night most of us (almost all of his children, and some of the grandchildren) went to the farm to visit. We all visited with my grandmother (who didn’t remember who any of us were) and then we did what the family does best we stood outside and drank a beer we talked about grampa and told stories about growing up at the farm.

I haven’t seen half of the family that was there last night since I was like 12 so it was a little weird. It was also sad that it took my grandfather dieing for the family to get together. Since most of the family seems to have issues with most of the family it was surreal. Standing there talking like we’re close, when we aren’t. The uncle who didn’t say a damn thing to any of us cousins. The cousin who’s a little bitch and needs to learn a lesson or two on manners and respect.

Next weekend we’re spreading his ashes at the farm. I couldn’t think of a better place for them. His life was that farm.

RIP Grampa.

It’s never easy

Saying goodbye.

Even when you know you have. You know that everyday you are closer to not having that chance. That chance to say I love you and I will always have you with me. The chance to spend time with someone that you love. Even if it’s just a minute, a minute is more than so many people get. I know that I am lucky that I have the chance to say goodbye. It doesn’t make it any easier though.

I know what is happening. I know that one day and one day soon I will say my final goodbye. I just don’t want to. I can’t bring myself to do it. And I feel so selfish for not spending every chance I get saying I love you sharing stories one last time, but I can’t.

I think my family thinks I am being selfish. And I am but not the way they think. If I sit down and I start to say I love you, I will break down. I will fall apart and that’s not what they need. They are already so frail that I can’t do that to them. And it breaks my heart that I am not strong enough to spend more time with them it truly does. But how do you lie to the sweetest lady on earth? How do I talk to him like nothings wrong when so much is?

I do visit. I have to and I love them so, so much! But I can’t stand to see them like that. I know that it is horrible that I say that. But it’s too much for me. It’s too much to watch the people who were always so damn strong such incredible people like this. And when she cries it tears me apart but I have to be strong for her now and for him.

I am so sorry that I am not stronger for them. I am so sorry.

I love them with all of my heart and I will never stop loving them. I will carry them with me the way I do so many others that have passed. And I will never stop loving them.

But how do you say goodbye when goodbye is so final?

Quotes from Grey’s

“When life breaks down, when we break down, there’s no science. No hard & fast rules. We just have to feel our way through”

“Yes. Horrible things do happen. Happiness in the face of all that, that’s not the goal. Feeling the horrible and knowing that you’re not gonna’ die from those feelings. That’s the point.”

“Don’t wonder why people go crazy. Wonder why they don’t. In the face of what we can lose in a day, in an instant, wonder what the hell it is that makes us hold it together.”

“There comes a point in your life, when you’re officially an adult. Suddenly you’re old enough to vote, drink, and engage in adult activities. Suddenly people expect you to be responsible, serious, a grown-up. We get taller, we get older. But do we ever really grow up?”

“Some wars result in complete and total victory. Some wars end with a peace offering. And some wars end in hope… But all these wars are nothing compared to the most frightening war of all. The one you have yet to fight…”

“There comes a moment when it’s more then just a game, and you either take that step forward or turn around and walk away. I could quit, but here’s the thing. I love the playing field.”

“Patients see us as Gods or they see us as monsters. But the fact is, we’re just people. We screw up, we lose our way. Even the best of us, have our off days. Still we move forward. We don’t rest on all the rules or celebrate the lives we’ve saved in the past. Because there’s always some other patient that needs our help. So we force ourselves to keep trying, to keep learning. In the hope that, maybe someday we’ll just come a little bit closer to the Gods our patients need us to be.”

It’s been forever

I haven’t been on here for months. You can say it’s cause I have been lazy but I’ll say it’s because I’ve been busy. That and completely freaking out about what I’m going to do with the rest of my life. I’ve been so stressed that I adopted that “I just don’t give a fuck anymore attitude” and things went from bad to really bad to worse over the past couple of months, but now I think I’m back on the right track.

Besides completely trashing my healthy diet and exercising religiously and 100% falling off the healthy thing I’ve been procrasinating about everything and been a total bitch.

So I’ve decided that before I lose all my friends and all hopes of wearing that bathing suit to the beach anytime in the next lifetime that I should change shit. I haven’t been able to find a job which is frustrating as all hell but then there the other like 230982938 million unemployed people looking for work too that I really shouldn’t complain too much. I don’t have a family to feed or a house to pay for. Just a ridiculously expensive car that I don’t need but I’m too in love with to give up. I finally made that phone call I kept saying I was going to make to the school I think I want to go with and I finally made an appointment to go check it out and meet with the financial advisor and academic dean. So hopefully next September I’ll be a college student. Yay!!! =D

Anyways I’m back and I hopefully won’t be such a bitch to those I love.

Hopefully, but we’ll see how it goes. Small steps right??

=[

My fish died…..

“Be nice”, “Okay”.

But what I really meant was no.

Because I left. She’s the girl at the station and the other girl, so is she. And they’re the girls at the station now. And they’re gonna cook and they’ll clean and they’re going to bake freaking cookies and take pictures and paint things on the freaking walls. And me? No one’s going to remember me. I’ll just be the girl who was stupid enough to get kicked of. So no, I didn’t want to be nice, I still don’t want to, because I’ve been replaced by some other girls and I just don’t want to be nice!

Eeeee!

It’s only been like three weeks since I started looking for a new job…. And I’ve gotten nothing from the like million places I applied at, buttttt I have an interview on Tuesday! =D YAY!!!!

Oh so bored

Besides going completely stir crazy living at home, I’m also ridiculously bored.

Any ideas on occupying my un-employed days????

I miss ya, I miss ya

I really wanna kiss ya, but I can’t

Grrrrr!

Why is it that family has a way of just setting people off? Don’t get me wrong I’d do absolutely anything for my family, go to the end of the world for them and I love them more then anything. Still…. They piss me the fuck off sometimes.

Like when I come home take a nap, get woken up by someone calling out if I’m home, then standing in the doorway when I’m clearly sleeping, and sigh. Then that someone decides to start doing the dishes unnecessarily loud. Really do you need to slam pots and pans together? No! Or when you finally give up on the nap and go out to say hello and suddenly are getting yelled at because you’ve heard the same story all weekend and honestly don’t feel like talking about the fucking bank for the hundredth time this week. Then get yelled at for being rude, because you asked what was for dinner.

Now everyone’s all pissed off, and you just want to go back and take a nap but are afraid you’ll get yelled at for that to. What the fuck.

This whole living at home shit, not going to last long. Apparently I’m an “inconvenience”. So fucking sorry.